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Mom + baby. Communication skills in a pair.
Communication of the child of the first few years of life with the outside world consists in communication in a pair, namely, in communication with the mother. The skills acquired at this age are the basis for the further formation of the personality. A child is born with a very specific set of needs, and expects from mom that she knows about it. Mom is for the child "the center of the whole universe" and the main source of incentives for the development of the whole organism. The most basic way of communicating a baby with a mother is sucking a breast. Mom teaches her child certain forms of communication throughout the entire period of breastfeeding. The mother should control and direct the baby’s behavior in the breast, and the baby genetically expects the mother to know exactly how to do it. What gives a baby suckling? Of course, food and drink, a source of vitamins, minerals, and vitality. But this is not only an "act of saturation." Breast sucking is a peculiar way of communicating with the mother, the first experience of communicating in a “man-man” pair, communicating with the closest and dearest person (and for the newborn child the only acquaintance so far). Does a newborn baby know how to suckle? Not. He knows how to suck on his fingers, umbilical cord loops, and he has never sucked his chest before. Mom has to teach him that. Probably, this is possible only if the mother herself possesses certain skills of applying the baby to the breast and is guided by them, or her and the child are taught by another, more experienced mother. When learning how to apply, the mother should monitor the behavior of the baby under the breast. Mom needs to show the child the limits of her ability to handle the breast. Breast sucking is permissible only in the correct attachment. Any attempts to crawl, bite the nipple or delay it, the mother should not encourage, and especially should not tolerate the pain when sucking. Most children begin to twist their heads with their breasts in their mouths, arch, and crawl onto their nipples, causing trouble to their mother and themselves. Having no previous breastfeeding experience, the child does not know what behavior is required of him, this should be taught by his mother. When a child tries to turn his head with a breast in his mouth, the head must be held overcoming resistance: he opened his mouth and released his chest - let go of his head, holds his chest - hold his head. This model is fixed in the memory of the child, as the only correct one. If the painful sensations persist during sucking, or the nipple is injured, then the baby sucks incorrectly and the mother needs to retrain him. It happens very often that painless sucking is not so painful; it’s bad because mother sooner or later faces a problem and doesn’t know its cause. If the baby with his pen pulls the chest out of his mouth, one can either swaddle his hands, or take his pen in his and touch his fingers and palm, giving additional incentives for the development of fine motor skills. What does “on-demand feeding” mean? This is putting the child to the chest, with any signs of anxiety and without any time limit. What gives this baby? A sense of security, a sense of absolute security and comfort, so necessary for a kid who recently left the fetal world, where he was fully provided for everything. For full communication with the mother, the child has an innate need for frequent breastfeeding, about 12-20 or more applications per day. If the mother does not know about this need of the child and follows the common recommendations to feed him after 2-3 hours, and in between gives him a pacifier and some water and does not feed him at night, the expectations of the child do not have a response. A wordless baby sooner or later is forced to obey the actions of the mother, it is only a matter of time: after all, the mother must know exactly what is right for him! Mom should be aware that on-demand feeding implies mutual requirements, i.e. requirements of both parties. If the mother needs attachment, for example, when the chest is full or the mother needs to leave the house, and the baby is sleeping, she has every right to attach it at her request. Babies who feed on demand and meet innate expectations usually have nothing against the mother’s requirements (unlike children feeding on a regimen and sucking a pacifier). Mom should not create special conditions for feeding, for example, always go to another room, turn off the light, feed only in one posture, etc. Often, mothers are given advice when feeding on anything not to be distracted, and to focus on the baby. For a newborn child, this may be relevant, and for an older child, such feedings should not prevail. Baby learns to adapt to the requirements and convenience of the mother - in the choice of posture, convenient mother for feeding; a place convenient for mother to feed; breast needed now for feeding. Mom does not have to follow the requirements of her newborn for choosing a breast. Quite tiny, he doesn’t know what breast he needs right now, this is decided by mother. After all, she knows for sure that if you change the breasts frequently, then the baby will not receive the back portion of milk, which is rich in fats and immunoglobulins. The child just adapts to the requirements of his mother. Of course, his demands are not neglected either. If he wants to suck during the swing, his mother will take him in her arms, give her breast and shake, singing a lullaby; the baby will feel that everything is in order with the world. Until the child is older and does not begin to move independently, the mother should not limit the duration of breastfeeding. Being absolutely dependent on the mother, the baby gets rid of any discomfort by sucking. It is not advisable to use a pacifier, it destroys the relationship in the “mother + baby” pair, limiting the possibilities for mother and child to communicate, and forming experience of communication and comfort with an artificial object (mother’s substitute). The only situation when you can give your baby a pacifier if mothers not at home, but he burst into tears, and the dummy might calm him down. Of course, a 2-3 month old baby is better off not leaving him for a long time. As you grow older, the need for prolonged application decreases. Minute attachments are maintained during wakefulness, full-fledged feeds “around dreams” and night feedings. The baby is growing and changing, expecting mom to show him the model of behavior that he should follow. Growing up, the child shows a great interest in the world, sometimes forgetting to attach to the chest. The demands of the mother end with 2-3 seconds of sucking (never, with complete refusal), and the main feedings are shifted to the night and in the night before nighttime dreams. Mom, knowing about this age feature of the child, devotes more time to housework. But still, having no experience of being without a mother for a long time, the baby soon “signals” to her, and she takes him in her arms, where he can observe the actions of his mother and gain experience.
Gradually, the ability to wait for a child grows with him. If the mother is very busy, the baby can wait a bit until the mother is free and approaches him. After starting a new six-month-old baby, mother gradually gets the opportunity to leave home without a child for several hours, leaving him to someone whom the baby trusts. He learns to fall asleep in naps without a breast, without a mother. He needs this experience in order to understand that the world is multivariate - there is a mom with a titus, there is a dad without titie; There is mother's milk, and there are many other "goodies." Little by little, the nursing mother is involved in the life of society, she can go to work, after a year and for a full day, keeping the evening, night and evening feeding. If the mother sleeps with the baby, and is able to feed lying in a comfortable posture, problems with night sucking, as a rule, do not arise. A child can sometimes have periods of very active night sucks, usually a reaction to external sources that are beyond our control: a full moon, a change in atmospheric pressure, and actively growing teeth. A mother older than a year can sometimes not be given a breast by her mother at once, and instead of breast, she can offer something in return — other interesting activities or other “something tasty”. This is permissible and justified only if the mother is currently busy, and the baby asks the breast "for nothing to do." The reasons for this refusal should be clear to the child - the mother is engaged in “this is the case”. You can also refuse to attach, for example, in a public place. However, if the child has begun to cry, scared, offended, hit or wants to sleep, and expects the mother’s help in the form of attachment to her breast, she should not deny him or distract him with some kind of toy! Often, the baby takes the opportunity to suck when the mother is sitting at the TV or on the phone ... As a result, the same 12 or more attachments a day are obtained, 4-6 of them are full feedings and 8-12 short-term attachments for various reasons. Of course, the mother should not consider attachment. She should know and feel the needs of her child and meet them in a timely manner, imposing some reasonable restrictions as the child grows up. If a mother says that a child has 1-2 applications per day per year, then on-demand feeding is absent here. But there is a large amount of introduced foods and limitations in sucking, which the baby accepted as correct. Such a child will look for options to communicate with another object - with a dummy, with her finger, or fall asleep in an embrace with a teddy bear, and he alone at all: as the mother taught ... Gradually emerging attachment of the child to a dummy and a soft toy, mother is inclined to consider, rather , as a naive childish fad, and not as a sign of deprivation of the attention of the child, who is forced to stick to an inanimate object, replacing him with communication with his mother. If mother decides to correct the situation and adjust the natural process, she will be able to do this by correcting the mistakes made and putting the baby to her chest as she demands. There is also a reverse, no less common situation: the mother has no one to leave her 18 month old baby with, and she is with him all day. The kid, genetically waiting for his mother to leave the house, sucks "for the future, while they give him", it can be very difficult to distract him from the breast. Mom gets tired of frequent sucking and because she doesn’t understand the behavior of her child ... Therefore, if the mother works, or she has helpers and the ability to leave the baby with them, then in a pair of “mother + baby” misunderstandings almost never arise. Mom should not offer a breast in those moments when she wants to distract the baby from some occupation, from her point of view, which is not suitable at the moment. The child should be switched not to sucking the breast, but to another occupation. Rarely do mothers do this because giving the breast is easier than finding an alternative to the baby. The result is that a mother very often gives a breast in those situations where you just need to change the unwanted behavior of the child, and sometimes you have to change the undesirable behavior of the child 10 times a day, if not 20 ... A child who can walk, run, crawl on a mother can "Stick" in the most incredible poses. And here the mother should control the behavior of the child and focus on their personal feelings and convenience. If this position is not very comfortable for her, then she can change it. If the mother is unpleasant "free-breast games" - twisting and pinching the nipple, she can prevent the child from doing this by switching the baby to a fold of clothes or something else (her fingers, beads for feeding, etc.). You can not postpone the restriction in this issue "for later." "I will think about it tomorrow" is absolutely not suitable here! The baby begins to put forward its requirements for changing the breast. In one “call”, he can change his chest several times, attaching to each of them for half a minute. This behavior is typical for an infant who has become sucking and has fully mastered the skills of breastfeeding. The child should not get the breast out of her mother's clothes. He can show that he needs her. Mom should get the breast, because if you allow the child to do it, in a situation in which it is not convenient, it will not be possible to forbid it without a scandal, it is on the one hand. On the other hand, this is the mother's object and she herself must dispose of it. In addition, the mother of a child older than one year may sometimes limit the time of breast sucking. When the baby fell asleep, sucking enough, and just holding the breast in the mouth, you can try to pick it up carefully by inserting your little finger in the corner of the baby's mouth. Perhaps it will be successful not always and not immediately. Mothers of babies at the end of the second, in the third (fourth) year of feeding, almost always succeed. You can also limit the time of sucking and when the child is awake. At this age, the duration of breast sucking is rather symbolic. There is no need to always wait until the baby himself lets go of the breast. After 2-2.5 (sometimes after 3 years) only night feedings remain, and during the day the baby is not very much in need of application. By organizing in this way their relationship with the infant baby, the nursing mother and her baby will receive the maximum of positive emotions from breastfeeding, and will not experience difficulties in communicating with each other in the future. The control of the child's behavior in the breast is one of the main elements of maternal behavior. If the mother knows about it, teaches the child and acts correctly, the baby gradually develops confidence that he is absolutely protected and everything in his life will be fine. Idea of Lilia Kazakova Pruhova Galina breastfeeding consultant
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