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MYTHS ABOUT THE FAMILY LOSS (ABOUT DIVORCE)
Myth: Repeated marriages - stronger
Fact: This myth is based on the assumption that people learn the hard way. However, practice refutes this judgment. The probability of divorce in remarriages is much higher. And the fact is that a person has already decided on his tastes and preferences. And it turns out that each next partner is painfully similar to the previous one. In men, this "resistance" is most often manifested in connection with the appearance of the elect. Women, as a rule, “fixate” on certain qualities of a loved one. Unfortunately, these qualities are often negative, and the victim of their own subconscious attitudes can only wonder why it is all her husbands or alcoholics, or drug addicts, or womanizer, or losers. There is nothing surprising: psychologists are well acquainted with this phenomenon. We attract a certain type of people, and it happens that it turns out to be not very positive. In order to break out of the “vicious circle” and stop the series of “same-type” partners, you need to look at yourself and determine what attracts you in some unpleasant persona.
Myth: Loneliness is an unbearable condition for a person.
Fact: A number of studies have allowed scientists to conclude that loneliness is just as dangerous to health as smoking. Perhaps this is due to the fact that single people tend to lead a less healthy lifestyle. They drink more (as they are more often in companies), skip meals (especially breakfast), and work more (because no one is waiting at home). Especially a crushing blow loneliness inflicts on bachelors after thirty years. There is one recipe - to find a mate. The fate of those who "did not find" is unenviable and well studied by our cinema. The screen has shown us more than once how lonely men drink themselves together, and women, putting a tear into the pillow, run to post ads: “A single woman wants to meet.” But before grabbing the ads, you should know: the statement “about the harm of loneliness” has a very clear sexual differentiation. Single men, indeed, live less than their married counterparts, but single women, by contrast, live longer than their “ringed” girlfriends. What is the matter, it is not difficult to guess. Single men drink more, eat irregularly and lead a promiscuous sex life. But for women the absence of her husband removes a lot of additional loads.
Myth: Living together before marriage reduces the likelihood of divorce
Fact: In fact, the probability of a divorce in this case is even higher. Rather, the lower the likelihood that the relationship ever ever go into the official mainstream. At best, cohabitation will acquire the status of a civil marriage and thus will survive for a very long time. At worst, which, unfortunately, happens more often, “unregistered” spouses eventually run away in different directions, because during their “civilian” residence they will unconsciously begin to perceive marriage as something temporary and unstable. Psychologists advise not to delay the premarital period for more than four years. During this time, people have time to "get used to", but do not have time to bother each other. Especially hope that the joint residence will allow you to know your betrothed better, not worth it. A person is a changeable creature, over the years, your spouse's habits and your attitude towards them may change several times. For the success of a marriage, it is not so much the duration of the preparatory period that is important as the desire and ability of the spouses to make concessions and compromises in relations.
Myth: After a divorce, the woman’s standard of living falls, while men’s
Fact: More recently, scientists have calculated that the income level of a woman falls by only 27%, while that of a man rises by only 10%. But the researchers did not take into account that the “levels” are different. For VIP families, this ratio may be true. Especially if the husband is an oil tycoon, and the wife is a housewife or a socialite. Not having their own means, these women after a divorce are completely dependent on the content, which the ex-husband will appoint them. And whatever it is, they still lose in income. However, housewives have to tight in any case. After all, husbands for them is the only source of existence and its loss is essential for her. But in families of medium and small income most of the family budget is eaten, and all the same man. Usually, a single working woman can afford much more female joys, as she saves on food.
Myth: A child's appearance prevents divorce
Fact: This is the most common and most persistent myth. It was born in the days of frantic patriarchy (when the right of inheritance was extremely important) and safely survived to our days (not without the help of Brazilian TV shows). Placing high hopes on childbearing in general, a woman automatically includes in the spectrum of her desires and the opportunity to correct her husband or improve her relationship with him. Absolutely at the same time losing sight of the fact that the process of procreation carries in itself somewhat different tasks. Even a sobering reality does not interfere with the belief in the “miracle of the birth of man”. Watching how around, despite the presence of children, families are crumbling, everyone is sure that this will never happen to her, and grabs the pregnancy as if it were the last chance to save the family.
But this is only possible if the feelings between the spouses, although they are in a crisis, are still alive.
Myth: Scandals and conflicts inevitably lead to divorce
Fact: Basically, right. For most people, a long existence in the "storm" mode is impossible. A scuffle for breakfast, a scandal for lunch, a scuffle for dinner - such a routine can kill any feelings. Especially, if only one of the spouses differs in scandalous disposition, and the second plays the role of a buffer. But if both spouses have an explosive temper, the action may develop differently. And, to the surprise of the witnesses, the stormy scandals of such couples do not end at all with the meeting of lawyers, and not less vigorous reconciliation. But it’s better to stay away from family clashes of such couples. This is the case when “husband and wife are Satan alone”. What can you do, a marriage “concluded in heaven” is not always a quiet, cozy nest. It happens that feelings, hardened in family battles, safely live to a golden wedding.
Myth: For children, it is better for parents who have lost love to separate
Fact: It is better if parents treat each other in a very indecent way. Or one of the parents suffers from some kind of vice (alcoholism, drug addiction, mental disorders). Otherwise, children usually advocate for the preservation of the family, even just as an appearance. With kids, everything is clear: they equally love both parents, and it is difficult for them to survive the loss of one of them. But adolescents have a more complicated motivation. On the threshold of adulthood, it is very important for them to maintain their social status. An incomplete family is not prestigious and is also associated with material difficulties, which also undermines the position of the adolescent in his environment. Therefore, an all-understanding child is not in a hurry to bless the divorce of parents, but insists on saving the marriage. And if this fails, using the right of choice, it may not be left with the parent whom he loves more, but with the one who is better off.
Myth: Men more often leave the family
Fact: For a long time, it was so. A woman, being in a position of economic, social and moral dependence on a man, was rarely decided to leave the family. Marriage usually fell apart only when the man himself wanted it. But even he was not easy to get a divorce. For a woman, this step was equivalent to civilian death. Now everything is different: two thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. And this is typical for the entire civilized world (with the exception of Muslim countries). The sexual revolution dispersed the idea of compulsory female chastity, and equality gave women financial independence. But the desire to have a family and a reliable man with the centuries has not diminished at all, but the desire to endure male indecent behavior has diminished considerably.
Myth: Late marriages are more durable
Fact: It is assumed that with age a person gains experience, and therefore becomes more tolerant and unpretentious. It also seems to us that over the years of “searching and wandering”, we should have already formed clear views on living together, have tastes and desires relative to the opposite sex. And, nevertheless, marriages concluded for up to thirty years are twice as long as marriages, when spouses are already far beyond ... This is explained by the fact that the “mature” psyche is indeed more resistant to life cataclysms, at the same time less susceptible to everything new. Over time, a person loses plasticity and it becomes difficult for him to part with his habits and adapt to his partner. Yes, and a single life, I must say, extremely delays. So that there they would not tell us about the joys of family life, marriage is hard work. And if the extravagant youth rushes into the “marriage pool” without thinking, then maturity will think hard: is it worth it to strain yourself.
Myth: The largest number of divorces falls on the first three years of married life.
Fact: The first years of marriage are undoubtedly a difficult test for the newlyweds. They still have little meaning in family life, but are ready to fiercely defend their interests. From the quarrels shaking the young family, it seems, just two steps to a divorce. However, statistics show that young spouses are not at all eager to sever their marital obligations. The number of divorces according to the number of years lived is distributed as follows: up to a year - 3.6%, from 1 to 2 years - 16%, from 3 to 4 years - 18%, from 5 to 9 years - 28%, from 10 to 19 years - 22% or more years - 12.4%. From these data it can be traced how the strength of the matrimonial bond depends on the extinction of the senses. What to do, with the loss of love, we become less tolerant. The peak of divorces falls on 5-9 years, when the fervor of love passion has already passed, and I want to shake up the hormones. The most dangerous period in the life of a family is when spouses are between 20 and 35 years old (the period of the most active human activity). After 35 years, the number of divorces is declining. At this age, Mrs. Habit takes power.
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MYTHS ABOUT THE FAMILY LOSS (ABOUT DIVORCE)
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